Full Stop

The last two plus weeks have been insane for me. I like things to run on an even keel but with FUN TRAVELS! and WEIRD BLOOD WORK! and GARDEN BOSS EXTRAVAGANZA! and ELLISON MIGHT HAVE MRSA! it’s been pretty nutso. And about that last one. She doesn’t but does have a big funky staph infection that is requiring medical intervention. And because Ellison’s public health administration degree makes her equipped to make medical decisions, she refused to go to the emergency room despite the urging of multiple doctors and nurse practitioners. I learned something new: getting a phone call from my delirious fever-crazed partner who is alone in another city is not good for my mental health. Neither is the waiting room in the poorly named Breast Health Unit. Anyway, I took 3 days off of work – 2 to chauffeur to doctor’s appointments, one to ensure that Dopey Smurf was not driving without supervision – and this gave me plenty of time to get completely bananas. I made insane lists of things to do, which included things like rehang the windows in the guest room (done) and rebuild the brick wall around the front garden (grabbed the reins and pulled before starting this one on a whim). And you know what? I made my crazy work for me – took care of a bunch of minutia that has been bothering me on a low level, cleaned up the house a bunch, and leaned on my incredible network of friends more than I have in a long time. It’s nice to remember that I can.

This weekend I was supposed to be in New York, but I decided it would be good self-care to go only overnight Saturday. Drove down Saturday morning, lots of good thinking time in the car, lots of fun with great people, went and got some serious needs met. And then it was, like 3 am on Saturday and I just thought, What am I doing? And I didn’t have an answer – I was hurtling out of control like I was 16 again. I didn’t like that feeling then, and now at twice that age I still don’t like it. So I took a time out. Watched the Pride Parade in the city with friends I don’t see enough. Drove home and sang along with cheesy music on the radio at the top of my lungs. Stopped at my favorite beach and walked and listened to the waves through the fog. Took a walk around the neighborhood with my incredible partner who inspires me to be a better me. Went to bed and got a surprise back rub while I drifted off to sleep. That is good self care.

Lots of things may be in flux but I have a structure in my life keeps me solid and gives me enough space to explore and grow at a reasonable pace. When I feel like I’m hurtling through space I need to remember to focus on the structure that holds me, and to let go of any anxiety of those things I can’t change, or control, or foresee. My reasoned brain will catch up eventually.

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