Category Archives: Queerio

Access Vs. Equality

When I was first trying to figure out my way as a young queer, I didn’t really have any role models. I knew that some of the adults around me were gay, but our community was not welcoming and adults who worked with kids also worked hard to stay in the closet. My parents had befriended a gay male couple who gave me a book of Oscar Wilde stories for my 10th birthday (who says we don’t recognize our own?) but we never explicitly talked about sex or sexuality. I did find their collection of Drummer back issues to be both formative and informative, though. I spent my time with a variety of other misfits and broken toys, finding my way through the world of Riot Grrrl and AIDS activism, both shaping my dystopic view of a world that needs some changing, and my sense of self-efficacy to make the change. Though I was never really a Lesbian Avenger or a member of ACT-UP, those organizations and their direct action approaches – unapologetically demanding visibility and recognition – were instrumental in helping me shape my personal aesthetic and activism. I got involved with a variety of issues – women’s health, trans inclusion, antiwar and nonviolence activism, economic justice, corporate responsibility – always being visible as a queer person in the ranks. Why? Because I believed it was important to represent myself while working for justice and equality for all.

When I was in college, someone gave me a copy of Urvashi Vaid’s Virtual Equality: the mainstreaming of gay and lesbian liberation. YES, I thought. I didn’t want to be mainstreamed, to sell a “we’re just like you” message, to walk away from the progressive social justice basis of my activism in service of getting a crummy package of rights in an otherwise unjust system. While I struggled to maintain my voice in an increasingly corporate activism world, I always tried to keep our community diversity in the forefront, and strove confront, rather than avoid, homo- and trans-phobia. Ultimately I couldn’t continue to promote the beautiful diversity of my acronymic experience, and walked away from full-time activism. I couldn’t stomach making my living off a movement that didn’t check its own privilege or work on its own biases; that no longer stood up for reproductive justice and economic access, and failed to speak truth to power. I used to joke that there was no gay sex in the gay rights movement, a bitter observation of our movement’s shift from gay liberation to gay assimilation.

Last week we marked 25 years of ACT UP, the AIDS Coalition to Unleash Power. Yesterday was May Day, or International Workers Day. There was a time when leading queer activists would have been all over those celebrations. But the mainstream national gay agenda (and let’s be clear, this is not an inclusive agenda) continues to be one of access to the existing power structure – repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell; repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act; and inclusion of sexual orientation in laws that prevent employment discrimination and allow hate crime prosecution. Don’t get me wrong: I don’t think anyone should be kept from joining the military, recognizing their relationship, or getting a job because of their sexual orientation. But that agenda is a very narrow view of the things that impact our broad and diverse community. It doesn’t address the underlying economic justice issues that lead many young folks to join the military, or the war on women, or the power structure that benefits from racism, misogyny, classism and homophobia. And then yesterday, I found this article by Vaid, who continues to push the envelope on what the queer agenda is and should be. She doesn’t minimize the incredible success that some of these legislative and policy changes represent, and the progress they signify toward inclusion. But, she cautions, “winning these battles for equal rights is not the same as winning a new world, which once was, and should again be, the LGBT movement’s objective.”

I am deeply saddened that I feel that my own life – poly, leather, queer and gender subversive – is a detriment to the current iteration of the LGBT movement. I have taken a step back from LGBT activism because it doesn’t currently represent me. But I hope to find a way to push for an LGBT movement that is a part of a larger justice movement, one which celebrates diversity, fights for substantive equality, and confronts its interal privilege and prejudice. Until then, I will continue to be a visible queer working for movements that embrace and encompass my values.

Rabbit Rabbit

It’s March, and after a non-winter it’s snowy/slushy. Ellison and I made a commitment to try one new thing each month, but way exceeded our goal for February. We went snow tubing, explored an illuminated night garden, and went to a couple of new restaurants. But my favorite adventure was a day trip to Provincetown over the weekend.

Living Your Pride

Last night I went to a celebration for Rhode Island Pride, and it reminded me of a great article I read last week. Have you read this article written by a mom about her 7 year old coming out? You should. It’s amazing. This paragraph absolutely made me tear up:

Since that day, any time the word “gay” has come into conversation, he has happily announced to those around him, “I’m gay!” He says this very naturally and happily, the same way he announces other things that he likes about himself. Mention that a person is tall and he’ll quickly add, “I’m tall!” If he hears the word “Legos,” barely a second passes before he says, “Legos. I love Legos.” Saying “I’m gay” is his way of telling people: this is something I like about myself.

Until I read this paragraph I didn’t realize that this was the reason that I’ve been doing queer acivism – so that queer and/or trans kids can stop knowing there is something weird and shameful about themselves that they must hide, and recognize that they have differences that are wonderful facets of themselves. Pride shouldn’t be something we have to come to in adulthood. It should be something that we feel from the moment we start coming out to ourselves. And for that to be true, we have to change the world so that young folks get the great and positive messages this little fellow has.

On one occasion after an “I’m gay” announcement, I watched my husband reach out to ruffle our son’s hair. “I know, buddy,” my husband said to him. “And you’re awesome, too.” That’s how we’re handling it. We want him to know we hear him, and that he’s wonderful. It feels like the right thing to do, and that’s all we have to go by. We don’t have any other examples.

Consent, Violence, and Popular Media

I finally made it to see “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” over the weekend. I’d read the book, so I knew there would be violent nonconsensual sexual content, and was concerned to see whether or not this violence was glorified. I’m always uncomfortable being stuck in a movie theater full of people cheering on a rape scene, so going to the movie during the bargain matinée several weeks after the film first opened was a good idea – the Methuselah sitting next to me snored his way through the whole three-hour run time.

I wouldn’t say that the sexual violence was glorified by the film; if anything the point of view of the film is clinical and nonjudgmental, allowing the viewer to draw their own conclusion. But this is a film (and novel) about multiple men who take advantage of, rape, and assault multiple women, and the promo materials gloss over this theme. Ms. Magazine wrote about this in advance of the US release of the Swedish film, under the provocative title “The Rape of ‘The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo'”. I was pleased that there was no effort to gussy up central character Lisbeth Salander, who has crafted an all-too-familar exterior designed to repel and repulse the male gaze. She is gritty, dark, intentionally unattractive, and though she is victimized, she retains inner strength and autonomy and doesn’t become a “victim”.

I am always a little concerned about glorification of violence, especially that which takes advantage of those already disadvantaged by society, in mainstream media. Even when intended as social commentary, images of violence are often decontextualized and celebrated by viewing audiences. I recall a personal experience of watching “Natural Born Killers”, a film designed to highlight and skewer the media’s glorification of violence and violent offenders. However, this commentary was lost on the largely young, largely male audience, who merely wanted to watch the main characters beat the crap out of everyone. Even with a montage of actual news footage at the beginning, a grotesque sit-com rendering of Mallory’s brutal home life, and disjointed postmodern film techniques, all intended to bring the audience’s attention to the twisted nature of our own society, it was possible to view the film as a violent narrative rather than commentary.

I don’t think that the spare, cold eye of “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” allows itself to be similarly read as a glorification of violence. The disaffected gaze of the camera and the detachment with which it portrays its various subjects does not permit celebration; the film is subdued and muted even as it deals with extremes of human nature. Yes, viewing violence may inure us to viewing more violence, but in comparison to, say, “Captain America”, the violence is much more realistic and therefore unsettling. The brutality with which certain characters deal with others is shown under stark lighting as a serious flaw in their being. And the nonconsensual nature of sexual violence is clear; there is also some beautifully depicted consensual sexual activity, and the lines between them are not in the least blurred. Mainstream media contributes so much to a rape culture, where sexual violence and aggression of men toward women is celebrated; it is good to see a mainstream film depict rape not as a natural outgrowth of female sexuality but as a violent, violating act.

I exist often in a world where there is a little more gray area around consent and nonconsent, and where “consensual nonconsent” (CNC) is a core concept. I’ve had people ask me how I can be ok with that, both as a person who believes in ahimsa and as someone with a history of sexual assault. In many ways, a world in which consensual nonconsent can exist is the antithesis of a world celebrating rape culture. I’m comfortable with the gray only when everyone understands the black and white. It’s like teaching things to toddlers – they have to understand the rules before you can start making exceptions, because if they don’t understand the rule, they can’t understand the concept of waiving it.

Feeling Justified

Hacked Version of Komen Banner

I’ve never been one to buy all the pink breast cancer awareness stuff – you know, the ubiquitous pink beribboned housewares that ostensibly funded breast cancer research. It always seemed silly to pay an extra $10 when only $.50 was actually going to the specified charities. And in wake of the large, public kerfluffle over the Komen Foundation cutting off Planned Parenthood’s funding, I’m feeling somewhat more self-satisfied than I like to admit in mixed company. (And I’ve also made a small but unrestricted donation to my local Planned Parenthood chapter, and signed up as a potential cancer research subject, because I felt like I should be doing something.) I’m appalled at the ways that political opposition to organizations providing certain legal, constitutionally protected, but controversial medical services (abortion and contraception) to women who are SEEKING THEM OUT, are used to justify pulling funding that will preclude other women from accessing other health services. Shame on Komen.

Eat with Milk or Meat?


I had no idea that kosher butches were so readily available.

100 Queer Guys

A while back a friend posted a request for photos for a series he’s doing called “Men Like That: 100 Queer Guys”.Ellison asked if non-men guys could be included, and was invited to submit photos. The other day he posted this photo on Facebook and I’ve never seen Ellison so excited in my life. And this wall of queer guy portraits makes me super happy.


Some of 100 queer guys....

It’s hard to tell who is whom so here’s an inset with Ellison outlined. I love the photo the painting was drawn from, I loved the trip it was taken during, I love the painting, and I love seeing Ellison be so proud of being included in a project.

The paintings are part of a show called QUEER FROM ZERO TO ONE HUNDRED, which is opening June 21st from 6-9 at the TNC Gallery, 155 First Ave, in NYC. You should go.

Travels and Travails

Last weekend Ellison and I were off together with our chosen family for a fantastic Queer Weekend. I love being surrounded by love and mutual support, and having a place to revel in all facets of myself, with a ton of delicious food and phenomenal company.

This weekend we’re off on separate adventures, home just long enough to empty our suitcases, wash and repack our clothes, and keep our cats and plants alive. (I got the toothpaste. Ha!) Ellison will be presenting on chosen family at a conference like a responsible adult, while I’m frolicking on the beach and having my every need catered to like a giant infant. I can’t wait. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it lately but I LOVE THE BEACH.

Then, I’m home for the whole summer. My yard renovation project has been on hold for a couple of weeks, but I’m really hoping to have it be suitable for a 4th of July cookout. I’m borrowing extra boys next weekend to put a major dent in the patio building process. I’ve still got stone walls to finish, perennial beds to plant, and yard to level and reseed or….something. But when it’s done I’ll have more enjoyable space and less poorly maintained grass. I can’t wait for that, either. It’s been a long time since I had a yard I really want to be in, and Ellison has barely sat outside since quitting smoking 2+ years ago. I’m hoping this yard makeover changes the environment enough that we can both enjoy the small outdoors together.

Smiling in Hell

“How far do you think that smile will get you when you and your partner are burning in Hell?”

A particularly bonkers homophobe shouted that at me as I walked through a hallway at the State House with my general pleasant mien. So much for a civil debate on LGBT issues.

So you’ll forgive me for not posting yesterday, but I was too busy being made a second class citizen.

Loka Samastha Sukhino Bhavanthu

I’ve recently been deepening my study of energy in the body, how it flows and where it gets stuck in mine. I find that a little attentive breathing with a mental repetition of a mantra helps to open up the energy channels. This one, which means, “may there be peace throughout the world”, has been good for me lately. A reminder to find peace and gentleness for myself, and to offer that to the world around me. Perhaps today I need it a little more than most days.